35.

Today is my 35th Birthday.  I didn't really dig the idea of turning 35.

35 sounds so....

Grown up.
Mature.
Adult.
Established.

Of which, I am none.  I don't feel any of those.  I feel like I'm still 25 - well except I'm more tired than I was then, my eyes are worse and I have some grey hairs, and some annoying creaks.

Turning 30 didn't bother me at all.  It didn't phase me, was just a blip on the radar.

Maybe its because when I was a girl dreaming, I figured I'd have "it" all figured out at 35.

I don't.  What I have figured out, is I'm not sure what "it" even is. What I have figured out, is I'll never figure it out.  I don't control it. I can plan 7 ways till Sunday, but unless its God's plan, its useless.

A song from Casting Crowns new album really puts it into perspective for me. Its called "Your Already There"
Thank GOD He's already there. He knows I am just bumbling along on this path before me, trying to find my way following Him and trying to keep His word a light unto my path. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail, but I'm grateful for the blood that covers me, and the Father that picks me up and dusts me off and sets me back on the path.

I'm so grateful that even when I don't have "it" figured out, God knows where we are headed.
Its so comforting the words to this song I've added "bold' to the lyric that really speaks to me.

From where I'm standing
Lord its so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control.

When I'm lost in the mystery
To you my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When you breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of your picture perfect plan
When I'm lost in the mystery
To you my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You're already there

You're already there

One day I'll stand before You

And look back on the life I've lived

I can't wait to enjoy the view

And see how all the pieces fit

Here is a link to the video if you want to hear them sing it. 


I love the whole "come to the well" album, but Already There and Come to the Well are my favorite tracks.


"when you are runnin' on empty, and you can't find the remedy, just come to the well" 
"just rest in my arms awhile, you'll feel the change my child, when you come to the well" 
leave it all behind, and come to the well...

Your pursuit of perfection (leave it all behind)

Your fear of rejection (leave it all behind)

Your temporary pleasures (leave it all behind)

All your earthly treasures (leave it all behind)

Dried up empty religion (leave it all behind)

Rusty chains of addiction (leave it all behind)

All the guilt that weighs you down (leave it all behind)

Just leave it all behind and come to the well

The Well and Peter

I've been reading Mark Hall's (of Casting Crowns) new book The Well.  Its really good, I wasnt sure what to expect, but since I love his music I thought why not.  Basically its about how we go to our own "wells" - instead of THE Well - Jesus, for what we need.  Obviously a book called "The Well" is going to at least mention the woman at the well that Jesus speaks too. I've always been interested in that story, and all the things Jesus did that humans thought were "weird" for a man to do (go to the water well at all, for instance), but that is a different blog.  What struck me while I was reading some this weekend - Trust me, I'm surprised I read any too, considering we had a soccer tourny in a town 30 mins away, which meant 3 games on Saturday, and one on Sunday, along with church twice, but I was able to read a little.

I was reading a chapter about Peter. I love Peter.  Peter is SO ME.  Peter is so REAL. Peter, God love him, he's just Peter.  Peter has faith, loves Jesus, but doubts too. He's rash, his mouth and activities get him in trouble time and time again.  When he thinks he's in the right, he just reacts (remember an ear, anyone?) but when he's scared for his own life, he denies the very source of living water he's been following.  But God used Mark to put a divine highlighter on some stuff about Peter.

Peter was a fisherman, Jesus went to him at the boats, and after a long night of fishing, where they had caught nothing, Jesus told them to try again.  Mark points out that Peter, he was a professional fisherman.  If you were a professional fisherman, what would you have said when this carpenter told you how to fish? But Peter listens, and the nets are full to breaking.  Jesus cares about every detail in our lives...even the ones we think "we can handle".

Later, when Jesus is arrested, Peter denies he knows him three times.  I've always wondered how any one who actually walked with Jesus and saw the miracles with their own eyes could do that.  Mark Hall points out that Peter, well he didn't have the Holy Spirit yet....and he might have thought he had lost Jesus. How blessed we are, to know that we have the Spirit with us...what is our excuse??  Yet we deny him all the time.  We deny him in the workplace, in our friendships - when we think it will be "weird" or people might think we  are "one of those freaks" etc.

When things go wrong, what do you do?  Do you go back to things that are comfortable?  I know I do.  I like comfort of things that I understand and can grasp.  What did Peter do?  He went back fishing.  He knew fishing, he understood fishing, it was a source of comfort I imagine.  What did Jesus do?  He came to Peter....and cooked him a meal - a meal of what?  yeah, of fish. Again, showing how he loved PETER as PETER and that he would take care of him, even the fish.  And he asks Peter three times if he loves him.  Peter, do you love me (agape love - deep abiding, self sacrificing love) and Peter answers that he does love him (philos- friendship love) twice.  The third time, Jesus says Peter, do you even Philos love me??  Can you imagine, being toe to toe and face to face with the lamb of God, and being asked, do you even really love me as a brother?  ouch.  But guess what?  He asks us that. Do you? do you love Jesus?  He love us, with a deep agape love - loves so much that he died for each one of us. I saw quoted the other day that Nails didnt keep Jesus on the cross, love did - How true is that.

He loves us, and only wants us to accept his love and live for him.  I want to say yes, I agape love Jesus every minute of every day. But I would be lying.  I am a Peter.  I want to be on fire for Jesus, I want the world to see how great HE is, and how much He loves us, but I've denied him.  But the best part? The thing about Grace? Jesus loves me anyway. forgives me when I am broken about it and beg to be cleansed again. Lifts me up and sets me on my feet and never leaves me.  I dont deserve it, but I sure am glad its so.  I want to get out of the boat and walk, and not sink.  I pray that I am a little better every day, a little more like Him, and point to Him, because with out Him, we are just dry bones.

Prosecutor vs Defense Attorney

To help deal with all the stuff in my life, I started seeing a therapist once a month.  I figured, it can't hurt.
When you add stress at work to being a caregiver to a mom with EOAD to being a mom of two small children and a wife and keeping a house running, well you can imagine I run on empty sometimes.

So last time I went to talk to him, we discussed Prosecutors and Defense Attorneys.  Interesting you think?
Anyway, basically we have both in our heads.  When we are down on ourselves about stuff, the prosecutor is making his or her case about how terrible we are, how awful things are, and how we'll never get through this - ie go to jail and do not pass go.  What we need to do is work with our defense attorney.  Not to the point that we get off scott free from everything that we need to deal with, but to bring us back to a balance.  Yes, this event sucks (my mom having EOAD) but its not something that should send me to prison (depression, anxiety, not being able to still do things with my friends etc).  Our defense attorney needs to be able to help us.  Unfortunately, most of us let the prosecutor run the show.

That made me remember a friend relaying a message from her pastor about planes.  Our minds are the air traffic controller, and our thoughts are airplanes. Its up to our air traffic controller to decide which planes land and stay, which planes buzz and are denied landing, and which planes land and then we make leave.  I liked that analogy at the time.  Negative, self beating up thoughts are to be denied landing!

Anyway, none of this may make sense to you if you don't struggle with negative self talk, but I do. I'm my own worst critic.

So today my goal is to let my defense attorney beat up on my prosecutor, and my ATC to keep those negative planes from landing.  :)

The therapist also suggested I journal..and guess where my journal is.  Haha you got it....blogspot.

Up the staircase

Yeah, so I was at church last night, after our fellowship meal, and I went to go upstairs to sell tshirts for the childrens choir, and to get my kids to their choir classrooms.  About 1/2 up the stair case, I tripped...and fell. I manged somehow to hit both knees and a hip on three different stairs. Can you say ouch?  So I'm moving a tad bit slower today that normal.  ooowwwieeee.